


Light

by funnygirlthatbelle13



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Abuse, F/M, Gen, Happy Hogan is a Good Bro, Hope, Mental Illness, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Panic Attacks, Post-Infinity War, Suicide, major character death (canon compliant), musical theatre
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-27 00:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18187607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funnygirlthatbelle13/pseuds/funnygirlthatbelle13
Summary: Tony Stark has given up. While the other heroes are in Wakanda trying to figure out a plan, he drinks to forget in New York. But when he discovers tickets to Next to Normal; a rock musical about mental illness, grief, the misuse and abuse of drugs, and parents recovering after the death of their child; that he and Peter had bought, he is forced to face his worst fears all over, and learn that, despite everything he’s been through, there may still be light.





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, and welcome to this fic! I've been working on this story since July, so I'm super excited for you guys to read all this and see all of my hard work!

Tony stared blankly at the cluttered table in front of him. He was in New York. Not Wakanda, where the others were still working and planning and trying to figure out how to beat Thanos. He had originally gone there, with Nebula and the guy with the metal mohawk who had picked them up, but it was all too much for him. Rocket glancing over at him, wondering why he’d survived and not his family. Bruce anxiously watching him in the lab like he was the bomb that might go off any second. Shuri offering him special sleeping pills because, at night, he was the one she heard screaming in terror. Steve gently telling him that he had done everything he could, that he shouldn’t feel guilty he survived. It was all too much. He got back to New York, hugged Happy, and did anything he could to try and forget. The others all thought there was still hope, but he knew there was nothing left to do but forget. 

So that was why he was sitting alone in an empty lab on a Thursday afternoon drinking directly out of a twenty dollar bottle of vodka. In theory, he definitely could fork over the money to buy a drink that did not taste completely awful, but taste was hardly the point of his drinking, now was it? He set the now empty bottle down next to a host of its fallen brethren and turned to clearing off the rather filthy table. He started throwing away his half-finished designs of tech he now had no desire to make. Sensory-friendly sunglasses, tracking devices that could stick to the skin, and… his heart did an involuntary leap into his throat: upgrades to the Iron Spider suit. The hand not holding the blueprint formed a trembling fist. As much as he knew there was no need, nor would there ever be a need, he simply did not have it in him to throw something away that was so closely linked to the kid.

He made his way to the elevator, down a few floors, through the empty halls, and eventually made it to the kid’s room. All the things he could not quite manage to throw out regarding the boy had made their way into his room. With a sigh almost as heavy as his heart felt, Tony opened the door to the room that had become his own personal den of sadness. He walked in, his fingertips trailing through dust on the desk as he looked for a fitting place for the piece of paper that was causing him so much pain. The bulletin board, he decided, that was as good a spot as any. 

The bright red bulletin board mostly had the kind of stuff you would expect from a teenager: business cards from admissions people at various colleges he had been considering, a cheap certificate labeled “Most Valuable Player” from his academic decathlon team, fliers from some of the better take-out restaurants in the area, a couple sketches from that girl who is a friend, MJ (“I swear MJ and I aren’t dating, Mr. Stark!” the kid had cried on multiple occasions.), photos that had originally been taken on a phone but then printed to look like Polaroids of him and his guy in the chair all around the city, and… tickets? Tony moved closer to see them better. The lilac-colored tickets were, apparently, from the Lunar Theatre Company for seats D7 and D8 for their production of Next to Normal.

~~~~~

They had been working on some upgrades to the kid’s parachute. It was a Saturday evening, around seven o’clock. They were listening to “We Will Rock You” by Queen when the teen’s phone had started to buzz on the table. His cheeks had gone pink as he glanced down.

“Sorry, Mr. Stark, this will only take a minute.”

“We’ve got plenty of time,” he had said with a smile. If only it were true. 

He had turned back to his work, giving the kid his privacy. After a couple minutes of excited chatter, the phone call was done.

“What’s the news, Underoos?” The boy had blushed again at the nickname. 

“Oh, um, you remember my friend MJ? The one who goes to detention to draw people in crisis?”

“How could I ever forget someone with such a weirdly specific hobby?”

“Yeah, well, that was her calling. She got cast as Natalie in Next to Normal, and they’re paying her!”

“Good for her,” he’d genuinely replied. “Do you think you wanna go and see her? Maybe bring some flowers?”

“She’s not my girlfriend, Mr. Stark,” the kid had mumbled. “And besides, the tickets are, like, thirty bucks each.” 

Tony had sighed dramatically

“Oh, if only you knew someone with a lot of money whose mom had been an actress before he was born that you could guilt into buying you tickets.” The sarcasm had not been lost on the kid, whose deep brown eyes rolled in typical teenager fashion. 

“I’ll come too, of course. Someone has to hold the bouquet while you give her a hug.”

“I don’t think MJ would appreciate a bouquet of flowers. They’re not very eco-friendly.” 

“Alright,” he had said, taking this odd girl’s tastes in stride. “Well, someone has to hold the succulents, then.”

The kid had laughed at that, with that innocence that made Tony desperate to shield him from the world and its cruelties. Obviously, he had not done a very good job.

~~~~~

He pushed away the memory and the guilt associated with it in order to focus on the tickets. The show was going to be on Sunday. A part of his brain, the part that tended to speak with the voice of his father, instinctively went to throw them away. But the more gentle side that sometimes sounded like his mother, sometimes Aunt Peggy, and sometimes the kid, stopped him. Just go. See a play, get distracted for a couple hours without getting drunk, maybe enjoy himself for the first time since the universe had been torn in half. And you’ll be keeping your promise to the kid. Besides, the gentler and more pragmatic half of him reasoned, there was no need to waste money. After carefully sliding the tickets into his pocket, he left the room and made his way back to the lab.

“FRIDAY, tell me about Next to Normal,” he called out to the empty room. There was a moment of silence before the AI spoke.

“Next to Normal is a musical with music by Tom Kitt and book and lyrics by Brian Yorkey. Opening on Broadway on April 15, 2009, Next to Normal tells the story of the Goodman family. It portrays the mother Diana’s struggles with bipolar depression and how her mental illness affects the other members of her family. The play was nominated for eleven Tony Awards and won three, as well as the Pulitzer Prize for Drama. Next to Normal is often praised for its brutal honesty regarding its subject matter, and therefore contains many potentially upsetting moments surrounding mental illness, grief, suicide-“ 

“Thanks, FRI,” he said with a heavy sigh that made him sound older than he had ever imagined he’d be. 

Now came the question, did he still dare to go knowing that this musical wasn’t an old school falling in love and tap dancing kind of musical? The last thing he needed was to be spotted by the paparazzi leaving the theater sobbing hysterically over a fictional character killing themselves. But he still wanted to see the show, as odd as it was. It had been at least a decade since he had last been to see a play. And the theatre still held a soft spot in his heart thanks to its association with his mother. But still, he wished he could get a better understanding of what exactly he was getting himself into…

“Hey FRIDAY, does Next to Normal have a cast album?”

“Yes, Boss. The album features the original Broadway cast, starring Alice Ripley as mother Diana, J. Robert Spencer as the father Dan, Jennifer Damiano as Natalie their daughter, Aaron Tveit as the son-“

“Okay, got it. Thanks, FRI.”

“Would you like me to buy it?” 

“Is there, like, a YouTube playlist? That seems a lot easier.”

“I’m pulling up the playlist now.”

As the first chord began to play, Tony leaned back in his seat, not entirely sure if he was ready but too far down the rabbit hole to go back now. The gentle piano and electric guitar battled for dominance as Tony Stark closed his eyes, hoping the music would help the memories fade away.


	2. Just Another Day

The first song was over and a gentle guitar started strumming. Tony’s first thought was how remarkably not musical theatre-y it sounded.

_We’re the perfect, loving family, so adoring, and I love them every day of every week. So my son’s a little shit-_

That, as the kids apparently say, is a mood. He listened on as the mother talked to her daughter Natalie. That was the one this MJ girl was playing. Instantly, he could see why. From what he had gleaned from the kid’s mentions of her, they were both brilliant girls with a sense of biting sarcasm that Tony was all too familiar with.

_Cause some days I think I’m dying but I’m really only trying to get through._

He had thought he was dying so many times, both from his physical and emotional crises across his lifetime. Being tortured, palladium poisoning, flying through the wormhole, anxiety attacks because of the wormhole, being left to die in Siberia… each time, he’d thought he was going to die, but somehow, he’d made it through. Even, or perhaps especially, when he didn’t want to.

_Cause what doesn’t kill me doesn’t kill me._

Tony flinched at that line, desperately trying to push away the image of dust on the red planet and instead focus on the words.

_It only hurts when I breathe, it only hurts when I try, it only hurts when I think, it only hurts when I cry, it only hurts when I work, it only hurts when I play, it only hurts when I move, it only hurts when I say it’s just another day._

Nope. Nope. This was not happening. It simply was not happening. Not now, not ever. He already had to live through these memories again when he forced himself to sleep. His waking hours had to be different. He had to forget.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. He began the breathing exercise he had seen on an online forum.

“Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so good.”

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. He squeezed his eyes shut, as if that would block the images flooding his brain.

“You’re alright.”

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. He cursed his own stupidity. Could he not have said anything comforting to the dying boy?

“I don’t- I don’t know what’s happening.”

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. He squeezed himself as tightly as he had squeezed the kid, trying to hold him together.

“I don’t- I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna go, Mr. Stark, please-please. I don’t wanna go- I don’t wanna go.”

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. He began whispering the words he should been saying back on that damn death planet, but the kid had taken the words right out of his mouth.

“I’m sorry.”

He sat there, rocking back and forth trying to regain his composure. What had he expected? He cursed himself for thinking he could handle this shit, especially when he already associated it with that MJ girl. Speaking of which, her character was now singing what sounded like an ode to teenage angst featuring Mozart.

_Everything else goes away._

Maybe he needed to play the piano. If it made everything go away, it might be worth the memories of his mom. The music changed to an oddly dissonant sound. Sighing, Tony took a drink as Dan sang.

_Who’s crazy, the one who can’t cope? Or maybe the one who’ll still hope?_

Obviously, the ones who can’t (or won’t) accept the reality in front of them. That was why he had had to leave Wakanda. Everyone was so damn hopeful that they would be able to defeat Thanos. But he knew better, even if he desperately wished it wasn’t so.

_Without a little lift, the ballerina falls._

“Cheers, I’ll drink to that,” Tony muttered, taking yet another large gulp of vodka. And as they continued to sing about drugs and their side effects. And another as the shitty psychopharmacologist ignores Diana’s concerns about her medicine. And yet another as some guy started singing.

“Wait, FRI, who the hell is this?”

“This is Adam Chanler-Berat as Henry.”

“And Henry is?” he prompted the AI.

“Natalie’s boyfriend and classmate. He is a seventeen-year-old jazz pianist, philosopher, and stoner.”

“Okay, thanks, FRI. Resume playback.”

_We dance on the edge of destruction._

Did the musical really need to call him out like that? His life always seemed to be on the verge of completely collapsing if he got too cocky. He had been thinking about the future when the goddamn alien donut came. He had been engaged, dreaming about having a kid (though, if pressed, he would have admitted that he already had one), and since he had gotten cocky, he had lost everything he loved.

_This planet is pretty much broken beyond all repair, but one thing is working if you’re standing there._

Oh, if only that were true for him. He could have dealt with the apocalypse any day as long as he still got to hear exactly what movie the situation was like. But, no, his world had been utterly demolished by that goddamn purple monster. Oh, god, he felt his eyes tearing up at the thought. He had to get away, if only for a minute. Before he knew it, he was standing on the terrace. He tilted his head up and let the sun shine on his face.

“Oh, kid,” he said with a deep sigh. He noticed that the outdoor speakers had picked up where he’d left off inside.

_But even if everything else turns to dirt, we’ll be the one thing in this world that won’t hurt._

He shuddered at the irony. Staring out at the flowerbeds, the soil of the poppies looked like an all-too familiar grey ash. The music stopped.

“Dr. Banner is calling, sir,” FRIDAY said. He sighed and pulled out his phone.

“Hey, Bruce,” he said. Or, at least he thought he did. His voice was so quiet it was impossible to tell.

“Hey, Tony,” Bruce said, concern evident in his gentle voice, “Are you-I mean, how have you been? We haven’t really talked since you left Wakanda.”

“You know, I’ve definitely been better, what with the end of the world and all.” Bruce sighed.

“How’s New York?”

“The fires are all out, the streets are almost all repaired… it would be a lot easier if I wasn’t the only hero in North America.”

The lull in the conversation was filled to the brim with awkwardness. Tony could feel himself trying to keep his cool.

“We could use your help here, Tony.” He chuckled without humor. “Queen, uh, Shuri and I have this equation we’ve been working on for the past… four days? We could use some help. Would you be able to look over it for us, you know, to proofread it?”

He sighed. He really, really didn’t want to participate in their delusional saving the universe quest. It would only end up with more people dead. But it was just an equation. Maybe they would use it for something other than a suicide mission against a mad titan.

“Send it to me. I’ll check it out when I’m sober,” he said, knowing full well that would probably never happen.

“You mean you’re not? Goddamit, Tony. I thought you weren’t doing this shit anymore.”

“I wasn’t but then half the universe turned into dust, in case you didn’t notice.”

“Of course I have,Tony. I was in Wakanda when he did it. But at least I’m trying to do something about it!”

“There’s nothing we can do, Bruce!” Tony shouted. He paused, choking up for a moment. “We can’t save them.”

“Please, Tony. Just… look at it. Please.”

Tony sighed. “I’ll talk to you later, Bruce.”

“Bye, Tony,” Bruce muttered before hanging up.

Tony groaned, clenching his phone in a trembling fist. What the hell had happened to him? To the team he’d once considered the only family he’d ever need? To the whole universe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! I'll be posting the rest of the chapters throughout the day, so stay tuned!


	3. Catch Me, I'm Falling

Tony stood there for a few moments, staring out at the beautiful garden. From the sight of it now, you would never had imagined that the world outside of the compound had fallen apart they way that it had. It was untouched by time, which only seemed to highlight everything that had been lost.

 

Sluggishly, Tony made his way back into the lab as an unusually cheerful song was playing. He was about to ask FRIDAY if this was another musical entirely when he heard a sad piano begin to play.

 

_ He’s not here. He’s not here. Love, I know you know. _

 

Who? The son? That was… rather serendipitous, now wasn’t it? He felt his fist begin to clench again.

 

_ Do you feel he’s still real?  _

 

Oh god, every damn day. Whenever he found an old scrap of a design, a leftover hoodie, a goofy selfie… it was like he could still feel the kid there and had to remind himself what happened all over again.

 

_ Why is it you still believe? Do you dream, or do you grieve? You’ve got to let him go. _

 

“I’m trying,” he whispered, “I’m trying.” He was. And he did just about nothing else but try to let go of the memories of what almost was. 

 

_ He’s not here. _

 

And as the piano and strings faded out, Tony let the tears fall. He was mourning more than just the kid. He was also mourning the idea of himself ever being happy, of him ever having a family.

 

He continued to cry, even as the music changed to a rock style number of Diana yelling at her husband.

 

_ Do you know what it’s like to die alive? _

 

Yes. Yes. A million times yes. He had had to put a magnet in his chest to keep shrapnel out of his heart. He had suffered from flashbacks and nightmares of going through the wormhole. He’d gotten stabbed by an alien in space, for god’s sake.

 

_ When a world once filled with color turns to white and grey and black, when tomorrow terrifies you, but you’ll die if you look back. _

 

He had seen his pride and joy, his light in the darkness, crumble to dust in his very arms. He was left as an empty, nightmare-riddled shell. He tried to focus in on Dan and the son competing for Diana’s attention, but all he could picture was his kid. His beautiful kid with those soft, brown eyes. And those curls that any shampoo commercial would be proud of. And that smile… the kid’s smile could light up any room

 

The tears started to dry up as a new song started. It was Natalie singing about how much it sucks to get less attention from your parents than a literal hallucination. Which it probably did. However, his so-called daddy issues weren’t bad enough for this one to strike that perfect chord with him.

 

_ I love you as much as I can. _

 

Shit. If that didn’t sound familiar… 

 

He had never wanted to be a father. It wasn’t that he had something against kids. Kids were fine as long as they weren’t too close. A kid trying to get close was a kid who could get hurt, and he had no idea how to prevent that. Howard had seriously fucked him up. It had taken years for him to open up to anyone, and even that had been a challenge. He’d assumed that the kid thing just wasn’t going to be possible in his lifetime. 

 

But then he had recruited the kid to the team. He had kept him at arm’s length at first. Then the kid had crashed his plane and essentially demanded more attention, and he had complied. Was he ever able to give the kid what he needed? If he’d spent more time with him, would things have turned out differently? He couldn’t help but wonder if the distance between them could have changed the final results on Titan. 

 

But then, softly at first but growing louder, a new song started to play. And with it came a new emotion. It wasn’t quite fear, or even anxiety. He could almost feel something bad buzzing around his head, too far away for him to reach but still very much present. It reminded him of the feeling he used to get when he would build a suit but know that there was a situation it wouldn’t be ready for or what the kid had lovingly referred to as his “spidey sense.” 

 

So, of course, this song was sung by the hallucination son. 

 

_ I am more than memory; I am what might be.  _

 

Fourteen million six hundred and five potential futures. How many of them had the kid survived in? Were there any possible futures where both of them had survived, or were the two of them destined to be separated by Thanos’ insanity? 

 

_ I’ll hurt you; I’ll heal you. _

 

That was exactly what had happened. After Berlin, after Toomes, he had let the young hero into his life. At first, it was strictly to keep a closer eye on the kid and be a proper mentor, but soon Tony had found him enjoying their time together. And that time together had been beneficial for both of them, as anybody who saw them together knew. With a young hero, a hero who was as kind as he was powerful, under his wing, Tony had finally begun to feel as though the future might be safe. If the kid and others like him were protecting the planet, he would finally be able to rest, to have a family, to live his dreams.

 

But now, all those dreams of the future were gone. Pepper had been killed by a helicopter crash after the snap. The kid had died having done everything a hero should but with none of the comfort or rewards. That damn kid had fixed his heart only to shatter it into a million pieces. 

 

_ I’m your wish, your dream came true, and I am your darkest nightmare too. _

 

He thought for a moment about one of those potential outcomes: one where the kid had survived but he, May, Happy, and his friends were all gone. He could picture the kid curled up in bed, the bags under his eyes huge, his curls greasy from days of not showering, his cheeks stained with tears. Tony could imagine the kid, too empty to even worry about how long he could stay in the apartment or who would take care of him now. He could picture his kid, too proud to ever ask for help, living on the streets. 

 

As much as the current reality pained him, Tony had to be thankful that the reality he’d imagined had not occurred.

 

_ Admit what you’ve lost, and live with the cost. At times, it does hurt to be healed. _

 

He had to let go. He had to forget and move on. The only other option was to cling to the past until it drove him insane. They had lost. He had lost. This was the consequence for him losing.

 

_ Catch me, I’m falling. _

 

Once again, he clenched his hand into a trembling fist. He had been so close to saving him. If the kid hadn’t been so stupidly brave… he would have probably still died, but at least he would have been with his aunt instead of surrounded by dead strangers on an alien planet. He had failed and he had to accept that this was his fate. But he had been so close.

 

~~~~~

“Mr. Stark? I’m being beamed up.” He had tried to hide his terror from the others. This kid,  _ his _ kid, was being abducted by aliens and he was fucking terrified. An outsider might have been fooled, but not Tony. He knew that bravado. He knew that the kid hadn’t called him Mr. Stark in months save for in moments of crisis. 

 

Like this. 

 

He had made some lame attempt at humor before blasting off, 17A already on its way. It had been easy to find the giant flying donut. What hadn’t been easy was watching the ship climb higher and higher, FRIDAY showing him how little oxygen was up there. His new nanotech suit, of course, had an oxygen tank. But the older Spidersuit Peter had insisted on wearing? It did not.

 

“Pete, you gotta let go. I’m gonna catch you,” he all but begged the boy. 

 

“But you said save the wizard!”

 

He had but he never thought he’d have to make the stipulation  _ please do not die in the process _ .

 

“I can’t breathe!” he gasped. Tony had also felt like he couldn’t breathe, but that was from the panic attack he was barely keeping at bay.

 

“You’re up too high. You’re running out of air.”

 

“That makes sense,” the kid had barely managed to say before free-falling off the spaceship, obviously unconscious. Before Tony had had time to think that that image would definitely be appearing in his nightmares if he survived the day, the new suit had caught the kid.

 

~~~~~

_ Catch me, I’m falling. _

 

That should have been it.

 

_ Catch me, I’m falling. _

 

He had saved the kid.

 

_ Flying headfirst into fate. _

 

The boy had proven himself to be brave. 

 

_ Catch me, I’m falling. _

 

He had risked his life to save a complete stranger.

 

_ Please hear me calling. _

 

That should have been it.

 

_ Catch me before it’s too late. _

 

It should have been enough when he was dropped from the sky by the Vulture.

 

_ Catch me before it’s too late.  _

 

It should have been enough when he nearly fell off an invisible jet.

 

_ Catch me before it’s too late. _

 

It should have been enough when he went free-falling off a spaceship.

 

_ Catch me, I’m falling. _

 

Why couldn’t the universe give them a break?

 

_ Catch me, I’m falling. _

 

Why couldn’t the kid have an easier life?

 

_ Catch me, I’m falling. _

 

Why couldn’t Tony protect his son?

 

His son. He had never wanted to have influence over a child. He couldn’t allow himself to fuck up another human being the way Howard had fucked him up. But he had needed to let him in at least a little bit. But just that little bit he let up was enough for the kid to sneak his way right into his heart. Though he had tried to hide just how much he cared in an attempt to minimize the danger the kid was in, the people who knew him well had seen him go soft for his kid. 

 

It wasn’t fair. This kid had found a chink in his armor and had weaseled his way in. But then, he’d been ripped away, taking the remnants of armor with him. So Tony was vulnerable, naked. 

 

Like it or hate it, he was a parent. Or, at least, he had been. He had gone to the decathlon tournaments, helped with homework,gone on college tours, comforted the kid after nightmares, had his own nightmares about losing him… and now, those nightmares were real. He was a parent without a child.


	4. Wish I Were Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, we're already more than halfway done! I hope you guys are enjoying the ride. For me, this chapter probably has my favorite moment of the whole story. Guess what it is!

He was a parent without a child. As that melancholy thought settled into his brain, the music changed. A haunting melody began to play, like the echo of a memory. It sounded almost like a music box he’d never owned.

 

_ We spun around a thousand stars. _

 

That was literally what happened. Diana made it sound so magical. Tony supposed it would have been: aliens, sorcerers, spaceships… it all sounds so cool when taken out of context. And yet, it had all been so heartwrenchingly awful that he knew, if given the chance, he would give up all of those memories. 

 

_ The dancers may disappear. Still, the dance goes on. _

 

After half of the universe had faded away, it had felt like the whole universe had been frozen in place, unable to move after such a tragedy. But it did. It had to. And so, people were starting to move forward, releasing themselves from the grip the dead had on them. There was simply no choice.

 

_ I’ll dream my love, I’ll live my love, and I’ll die to dance with… There’s a world- _

 

Now more than ever before, Tony was struck by just how much the son sounded like his boy had on the one occasion he had heard him sing.

 

~~~~~

They had been working on upgrading one of his suits since before the sun had even risen. The kid had been doing a great job, but Tony could clearly see that he was starting to fade with exhaustion. Still not quite done with a piece of coding, he had sent the kid off to go get ready for bed while he finished up. 

 

That had been about an hour before he had gone to get ready for bed himself. He had to brush his teeth still, having changed into his favorite pair of pajamas, and was heading towards the bathroom. Lucky for him, he did not open the door because it only took him a second to hear someone singing.

 

“Pretend I’m something other than this mess that I am. Cause then I don’t have to look at it, and no one gets to look at it. No, no one can really see… Cause I’ve learned to slam on the brake before I even turn the key, before I make the mistake, before I lead with the worst of me. I never let them see the worst of me. Cause what if everyone saw? What if everyone knew? Would they like what they saw, or would they hate it too? Will I just keep on running away from what’s true? All I ever do is run, so how do I step in, step into the sun? Step into the sun…”

 

At that point, Tony had run back to his room, his heart heavy. True, the words that had made him sad were clearly song lyrics and not necessarily a cause for concern, but the way the kid had sung them had been so raw, so emotive… could it be a performance?

“Shit,” he had said with another heavy sigh.

 

The next morning, the two of them had gone to a local diner. The place was a quintessential American diner with terrible decor but amazing food. Normally, they would have just grabbed some cereal from the kitchen and got back to work. However, Tony had hoped that a full stomach would make the kid more willing to talk to him. The teenager had already finished a large stack of pancakes and was starting his eggs when Tony decided to speak.

 

“So,” he had awkwardly begun, “I heard you singing last night.”

 

“Oh, you did?” The teenager had tried his best to seem casual, but his mentor could not be fooled.

 

“You’re good. Do you do plays and stuff?” Any pretense of not being embarrassed had left the kid by the time he heard that comment. His cheeks had gone a light, rosy pink. 

 

“I couldn’t- I mean, Peter Parker had two left feet, so I can’t.” Tony’s hand trembled under the table.

 

They’d sat in silence for a couple minutes. Tony did not know what to say. The teen was shoveling bacon and toast in his mouth, clearly glad that the conversation was over. Eventually, Tony spoke.

 

“I see you, kid. And I like what I see.” Despite his initial embarrassment, the boy smiled shyly.

“Thanks, Mr. Stark.”

 

~~~~~

 

_ There’s a world where we can be free. Come with me. _

 

Oh god. If he could go, if he could follow where his boy had gone…  Tony could feel himself trembling. He needed to stop. This was all too much. He clutched at his left arm as he fell to the floor, his chest heaving with sobs he was barely repressing. 

 

“FRIDAY, pause.”

 

“Would you like to call for some assistance?” 

 

His initial knee jerk reaction was to immediately say no, but this was a special circumstance. Or, at least, that was what he was going to keep telling himself.

 

“Yeah, FRI. Call Happy.” 

 

“Alright, Boss.” 

 

“Is everything okay?” Happy said anxiously. Tony’s heart warmed at the sound of the man, so grateful that he didn’t lose Happy too.

 

_ “ _ Hey, Hap. I’m okay.” He wasn’t, not really, but it was better to appease his head of security. “Actually, I was just thinking about the kid.”

 

“Oh.” Evidently, Happy had not been expecting that. 

 

“Yeah. I was wondering: You know his friend, the guy in the chair?” 

 

“Ned?” Happy said, his voice clearly conveying his confusion, “I’ve talked to him before. Why?”

 

“I want to talk to him…. he, uh, he made it, right?”

 

“Yeah, he-he called me after, you know, he wanted to check on- to find out if…. you know.” 

 

Tony sighed. 

 

“Yeah, I know. So we have a number for him?”

 

“I’m sending it up to you.”

 

“Thanks, Hap… for everything.”

 

There was a pause in which Tony swore he could hear Happy’s smile.

 

“No problem, Tony. I’ll see you later.”

 

With a sigh, he punched the number Happy had sent over to him into his phone.

 

The phone rang for what felt like forever. With each ring, he felt a pang in his stomach telling him that this was a terrible idea. 

 

“Hello?” God, he sounded like… such a kid. Which he was. 

 

“Is this Ned Leeds?”

 

“Yes?” Ned sounded so freaking terrified. Tony remembered the kid being the exact same way.

 

“Hi. Um, this is-this is Tony Stark.”

 

“Mr. Stark! Is everything okay? I’m a huge fan of your work.” A pause, then, “Is Peter back?”

 

“I’m sorry... he’s not.”

 

“Oh.”

 

And with that, Tony’s heart shattered into a million pieces. Again. 

 

“I was hoping I could talk with you about him… if that’s okay with you.”

 

Stunned silence, and then, “No, I mean, totally. I-I miss Peter a lot.”

 

“Me too.” Shit. Now that he had his kid’s best friend on the line, he didn’t know what to say. Evidently, Ned could tell because he spoke next.

 

“Is there anything you wanna know about Peter? I mean, I know you guys were close. He always said you were his hero. But, like, still, you guys didn’t know each other that long.” 

 

“It was good, though. Quality over quantity.” 

 

“Oh yeah, totally.”

 

“But,” Tony said, apprehension filling him, “did he, you know, like theatre?”

 

“I mean, he never did shows, but Peter listened to showtunes a lot. Like, if he had headphones in, it was either eighties music or showtunes.” 

 

Tony chuckled at that. It sure sounded like his kid.

 

“How the hell did he get into that?”

 

“Well, we found this  _ Star Wars  _ parody musical on YouTube. I thought it was okay, but Peter absolutely loved it. He ended up watching their  _ Harry Potter  _ musicals, their  _ Aladdin  _ musical, and eventually, he started listening to real musicals.” 

 

“Did he sing a lot?”

 

“No, not at all. He, like, never sang. Well, one time he sang ‘Get Back to Hogwarts’ at a party. But he was, like, really drunk.”

 

“What? You two were drinking?”

 

“We didn’t know that hard lemonade had alcohol in it!” 

 

“Oh my god,” Tony muttered. Had his kid really been that stupid? Sure, he had been a dumbass when he was a teenager, but that didn’t make the kid look like less an idiot. And the kid had always seemed to have a sense of wisdom about him. Underneath all his innocence, Tony could see the knowledge that came from living a hard life.

 

“Mr. Stark?” Ned asked nervously, “Do you think… is it possible that I’ll ever see Peter again?”

 

“I… I wish I could say yes,” he said, “Some of the others-“

 

“The other Avengers?”

 

“Yeah, kid, the other Avengers. Some of them think that Thanos can be beaten if the strategy is right. But… this guy threw a fucking moon at me. An entire fucking moon, kid. As much as I wish there was, I don’t think there’s anything more we can do.” 

 

“Oh.”

 

“I know, kid. If there was anything, anything I could do to get him back… I would let that alien bastard throw moons at me til I die.”

 

“I know, Mr. Stark, sir. If Peter’s stories told me anything, it’s that you’d do anything to make him happy.”

 

Tony smiled sadly. Ned really was a great best friend for his kid. He was going to ask him another question when he heard yelling from the other end of the line.

 

“Yes, Mom!” Ned shouted, “Sorry, Mr. Stark, I’ve gotta go.”

 

“Okay. If you ever need anything…”

 

“Thank you, sir.” 

 

Tony sighed as he stared at the screen. Without thinking, his fingers began to move towards Bruce’s message.

 

“No,” he whispered, forcing himself to stop, “It’s only a dream.”

 

Out of habit, his hand then moved to the bottle next to him. The kid’s parents had died by a drunk driver. He had found that out when first researching Spider-Man. And though the teen had done his best not to show it, he’d always been uncomfortable with people drinking around him.

 

Tony put the bottle down. His current state would have made the boy he mourned for miserable. He never wanted to make his kid feel that way, even in death. So he would stop. Or, at least, he would try. But he still needed some kind of relief, some break from all of this. He needed a nap. 

 

He walked out of the lab, past the bathroom where the kid had once sung his heart out, past the room that had once belonged to the boy who now haunted his nightmares. His head hung heavy as he headed into the bedroom that was far too big for him. Instinctively, FRIDAY dimmed the lights as he flung himself onto the bed. The pillowlike mattress and the faint scent of perfume soothed him into a relaxed state. For once, his brain was quiet. 

 

When he woke up, his brain didn’t scream at him like it usually did. He wasn’t thinking. If he was, maybe he wouldn’t have told FRIDAY to turn the music on again.

 

_ Standing in this room, well, I wonder what comes now. I know I have to help her, but hell if I know how.  _

 

Reality settled into his bones. It didn’t hurt as much as normal, remembering. Maybe that meant he was finally letting go. Or maybe, he was just losing his mind after all that he’d been through.

 

_ Everyday this act we act gets more and more absurd. And all my fears just scream inside me, waiting to be heard. I know they won’t, though, not a single word. _

 

The nightmares had been plaguing him for years. He had tried to protect Earth from another threat, but Ultron obviously had not gone according to plan. He had tried to repress his fears, to believe that they were all safe. But look where that had gotten them.

 

“God,” he sighed, running his hands through his hair. 

 

_ Will it work, this cure? There’s no way to be sure. _

 

He glanced at the message from Bruce. The odds of their plan actually working were microscopic. 

 

Out of habit, he wandered into the lab. Every surface seemed to be covered in memories. Blueprints from the Rescue suit, a long-since empty bottle of scotch from Rhodey, the kid’s calculus homework, a shattered pair of Bruce’s glasses.

 

“FRIDAY,” he called out, “Run the numbers Dr. Banner sent.”

“Are you changing your mind about helping, boss?” The A.I. sounded almost eager at the prospect.

“No, I’m just curious.” 

 

_ Our house was a home long ago. _

 

Tony glanced around the lab. Once, it had been his refuge, the only place he could be himself. Later, it was the center of his obsessive behaviors that had nearly destroyed him. When the kid had come into his life, the lab became their hub, the place they went when they wanted to forget the outside world and all its expectations and just be a father and son. But now, after the dust settled, the lab was just another place to try to forget.

 

_ I can’t get through this alone. _

 

But he was alone. He had no choice but to get through this by himself. Pepper was gone. The Avengers were all so caught up in their dream of things getting better that they might as well be gone. The kid was nothing more than dust floating through space. He was alone.

 

_ I feel the burn, but I don’t feel the pain.  _

 

On Titan, he’d experienced so many levels of pain. But, after the snap, none of it mattered. He couldn’t feel any of it, even the internal bleeding from the stab wound that had nearly killed him before they got back to Earth. Nebula had offered him painkillers, but he had refused. Why kill something that wasn’t there? Painkillers don’t stop emotional pain, and that was all he’d been able to feel. 

 

_ Can I hide my stupid hunger, fake some confidence and cheer. Wish I were here. _

 

Oh, if only the kid hadn’t gone somewhere Tony couldn’t follow him. Well, he could die, but they weren’t even sure if that was exactly what had happened. Steve, Rocket, and Thor were all convinced that everyone who was gone was trapped in the soul stone. Bruce, Shuri, and Natasha were all subscribing to an alternate reality theory. M’Baku, Okoye, and Rhodey all agreed that it didn’t really matter because, either way, the time stone would be able to reverse it. But still, if he could just see his boy…

 

_ Cause memories don’t die. _

 

No, they certainly did not. If he had learned anything from inventing BARF, it was that. 

 

BARF… that might not be a bad idea. Tony strode towards the elevator.

 

“Would you like me to keep playing the music, Boss?” FRIDAY asked. 

 

“Pause it,” he said, “Take me to level seventy-six.”

 

The elevator began to cruise down. Normally, Tony would read the news or something in this brief down time, but not today. He was far too focused on his destination to begin to care. The doors opened, and Tony entered the empty lab that BARF was housed in.

 

“What memory would you like to go to, boss?” FRIDAY asked.

 

For a moment, Tony was tempted to go back to Titan, to see the universe as if they had won. But BARF didn’t always agree with traumatic memories, a lesson he had learned all too well when he first invented the technology. He would have to go somewhere less upsetting. 

 

“Take me to when Happy and I were bringing the kid home from Berlin.”

 

He put on the sunglasses and, all too suddenly, was in the car with the kid. He had almost forgotten the nervous energy he had radiated, the constant desire to please. In only two years, the boy sitting here had grown up so much before… he couldn’t think about that now, not when he sat right next to him. 

 

“Alright, here we are. End of the line. Whoops.” Happy said.

 

“Happy, can you give us a moment?” 

 

He must have said it differently this time around, because Happy exited the car without a word.

 

“Happy’ll be sure to grab the case,” he said nonchalantly.

 

“I can keep the suit?” the kid asked, his eyes getting so damn wide. Why did he have to be so precious?

 

“Yeah, but there’s some things I wanna tell you before you go gallivanting around in it, okay?”

 

The kid nodded profusely. Tony couldn’t help but crack a smile.

 

“The suit has a lot to it; thousands of protocols. Not all of them are unlocked yet, but we’ll get there, okay?”

 

The boy started nodding furiously again.

 

“I totally get it, sir.” His smile grew.

 

“Good,” he said, “Now, Happy’s your point guy through all of this. He’ll be able to get in contact with you faster, and that’s why. He will tell me what’s up and if I need to help you with something or fix the suit… anything.”

 

“Okay, Mr. Stark,” he said in quiet amazement.

 

“You’re still new to this, so I hope we don’t need you to fight anybody as serious as this weekend for a few more years-” God, if only it had been the case- “So take it easy. Once you’re a little older, you can start coming around to the compound for some training.”

 

The boy’s eyes widened even further, if that was somehow possible.

 

“But, for now, don’t do anything I would do and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

 

He leaned over, reaching for the door, knowing what was coming. Tony felt those arms reaching around him once more. The last time he’d felt this, his boy had been dying. Gently, he wrapped his arms around the kid. This couldn’t last forever; he’d have to absorb everything while he had the chance. The distantly familiar scent of papers and the fancy hotel shampoo from Berlin. The soft texture of those delicate curls. The way this kid gripped on like his life depended on it, like this was the only attention he was ever going to get.

 

“Mr. Stark, I have to go,” the boy said. He was pulling himself away, those wide eyes staring up at him. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, getting out of the car. Tony reached out his hand to run his fingers through those curls, but before he reached him, the program ended. 


	5. How Could I Ever Forget?

Tony ripped off the glasses, rubbing his eyes. Rapidly blinking, he fought back tears. He had been crying way too much today; he literally didn’t have any more tears to shed. A trembling breath later, he managed to compose himself. 

 

“Alright, let’s go,” he mumbled, standing up to leave. 

 

“Where shall we go, sir?” FRIDAY asked. 

 

“Hm,” he hadn’t really thought about that, “How about the smoothie bar?”

 

The elevator rushed him down several floors to the level with the employee gym and smoothie bar. 

 

“Hello, Mr. Stark, how are you?” the chipper young woman behind the counter said. If she was surprised to see him, she didn’t show it. 

 

“I’ve been better,”  he glanced down at her nametag, “Sadie.” 

 

“I can certainly understand,” she huffed, though not unpleasantly, “What can I get for you, sir?”

 

Tony shrugged.

 

“Whatever’s good, just… no strawberries.”

 

After he said it, he realized that there was no need to avoid the strawberries anymore. But it felt wrong not to… he’d just let it go. 

 

“Did you hear about the reconstruction project?” Sadie asked as she scooped chunks of mango into a blender, “They finished up in Queens this morning. Once the bridges are fixed, all that’ll be left are a couple blocks in Hell’s Kitchen and that one section of Chelsea!” 

 

No, he hadn’t heard about that. He heard very little of the business or even the humanitarian aspects of his company. He had appointed a new CEO, a woman named Clarissa Sinclaire, and had set the instructions to start reconstruction, starting with New York City. 

 

“It’ll be back to normal pretty soon, huh?” he asked, more to himself than to Sadie.

 

“Well, no, it’ll never be normal,” she mused, “After what happened, I don’t think things will be normal again until either the people who are gone somehow come back or all of us who remember it are dead. But we’ll manage.” 

 

“How are you so sure?” he asked, surprised by her confidence.

 

“History repeats itself, Mr. Stark.” She poured the smoothie into a cup for him. “Have a great day.”

 

“Thanks, you too.” 

 

Tony sipped on his fruity drink as the elevator whisked him back up to the restricted levels of the building. He stopped at the floor with his movie theater. He had no plans to watch a movie. The dark just seemed appealing at a time like this.

 

“FRI, press play.”

 

_ I couldn’t give a flying fuck what’s normal. We haven’t had a normal day in years. _

 

Well, that was putting it mildly. The past ten years had completely turned Earth on its head. Aliens, AI, supersoldiers… everything that had once seemed so certain had been replaced with some weird-ass comic book logic. 

 

_ Your life has kind of sucked, I think. _

 

If that didn’t apply to the both of them… the kid: a poor kid from Queens living with his aunt and the weight of the world on his shoulders; and him: the man burdened with all the trappings of happiness but doomed to be alone. 

 

_ You wonder which is worse: the symptom or the cure? _

 

But there wasn’t a cure. Nothing could undo what had been done. Nothing they could do would help. 

 

“How are those numbers going, FRI?”

 

“Still working on it, Boss.” 

 

He shook his head. It was more likely that whatever they’d done would create unicorns than bring everyone back. 

 

They had done this to themselves. They had to figure out how to manage the symptoms together and stop wasting time trying to find a cure that didn’t exist.

 

_ Your heart is in your chest again, not hanging from your sleeve. _

 

Stark men are made of iron. They wear armor out into the world. They don’t do attachments. How many times had he heard that growing up? His father had forced him to build up those walls. It had taken years to break them down; years for him to open up his heart to anyone. He had started to rebuild those old walls, isolating himself from the few people he had left. 

 

He was becoming that asshole from before Afghanistan again. Tony hated that guy and he was slowly falling back into his old ways. 

 

_ You remind me of me and how fucked up I can be. _

 

The kid had been a reflection of him, only with all the flaws removed. No selfishness, no grudges, no past he had been trying to make up for; the boy he’d just been that good naturally. And, for some reason, the kid had wanted him to be his mentor. Like there was anything Tony could teach him beside how to be a traumatized asshole. Why couldn’t he have admired Rhodey, or Bruce, or T’Challa? Even Steve would’ve been better suited to coach a kid.

 

_ He had such chills, but still, he lay there so still.  _

 

He had been cold. Maybe it had been the new suit or the planet or simply the fact that he had been dying, but the kid had been so cold. Tony hadn’t expected that. The kid was usually so snug and warm. But he usually wasn’t dying, and that might have played into it.

 

_ Those weeks full of joy, then, a moment of dread. Someone simply said your child is… _

 

Dead. It was a word that felt so final. He had never imagined it being used to describe the kid. Well, that wasn’t true. Tony had had nightmares and freakouts dedicated to all the different ways the kid could get himself killed. But he’d thought that it was just his anxiety. 

 

Tony’s vision became blurry. He had always told himself that he was overreacting. That he would protect the kid from whatever was strong enough to get him. That the teenaged vigilante would be the future. That he’d never live to see a world the boy didn’t. 

 

Nebula has been the first one to say it. They had been sitting in silence on a spaceship for hours when she’d turned to him.

 

“I am sorry,” she had said, “I’m sorry your son is dead. I do not know if we can bring them back, but I do know that I will kill Thanos if it is the last thing I do.”

 

It had been so matter-of-fact, so final. He didn’t want it to be final. But how could it not be? 

 

_ That day that I lost you, it’s clear as the day we met.  _

 

~~~~~

He had not wanted to meet the Spider Man like this. He had been keeping tabs on the Queens-based hero since the very first video of him had been posted on YouTube. It had taken another two weeks to figure out exactly who he was. Tony had nearly vomited when he finally figured it out. Peter Benjamin Parker. Fifteen years old. Immediately, he had set himself to work building a suit for the kid. He wanted to get as much of it done as possible from a technological aspect before even attempting to figure out how these webs the kid had were possible. And then, he would start to slowly contact the kid, figure out exactly what made him tick. If he did okay, then he would give him the suit and start training him with the other newer Avengers before officially making him part of the group. 

 

But the whole Sokovia Accords thing had sort of put a damper on his plans. He’d made up the grant story in the elevator on his way up to the Parkers’ apartment. Guilt had weighed down on his conscience as he had set to the task of charming May Parker. Her walnut date loaf, he deemed, was an appropriate punishment for taking a kid into a potentially dangerous situation. Besides, he had thought to himself, the kid was there more as a sign that Tony wasn’t going to give up than an actual fighter. 

 

And then, he had walked in. Headphones in that had probably been blaring that one song by the Ramones he knew. He had been carrying a DVD player he had most definitely taken while dumpster diving, while also holding that shitty backpack he had tried to pack his things in. He had been so young, to be fighting out there alone. Tony had sensed that loneliness from the moment his eyes had met those brown puppy dog eyes. The eyes that had been full of tears after the ferry incident. The eyes that had drooped closed on a lab table many a Saturday night. The eyes that had lit up with joy whenever he was paid a compliment. The eyes that had accepted their fate on Titan as he faded away, knowing they’d never see again.

~~~~~

_ How could I ever forget? _

 

“FRI, pull up those old voicemails.”

 

“Whose would you like to hear?”

 

“The kid- you know…. Spider-Man.”

 

“Hi, Happy! It’s Peter Parker… I mean, you know that. You have me saved as a contact, right, Happy? Anyways, it happened again. Mrs. Sanchez offered me money for getting Gizmo out of the tree he always gets into. What should I do? It feels rude to not let her thank me if she really wants to. Does Mr. Stark accept tips? He probably doesn’t; he’s a billionaire. What about Thor? He doesn’t have a job. Would he let people pay him? What about buying me something? Like, if she tries to offer me cash, can I just ask her to buy me a snack? I think that’s what I’ll do… unless I shouldn’t. Please, Happy, please ask Mr. Stark what I’m supposed to be doing. I just wanna do a good job.”

 

God, the kid had been so good. Why couldn’t he have appreciated that miracle kid while he’d been alive?

 

_ I’m as old as time and forever young. I am every song that will stay unsung.  _

 

The kid had been so good. And he was gone… completely gone. It wasn’t fair. Tony clinched his fist. How fucking dare that grape kill someone who had been so fucking wonderful? How dare someone who never felt love kill someone who loved with every fiber of his being? Peter would never be kissed, never graduate, never go to college, never get married, never have kids; all because that dumb purple fuck decided that he knew what was best for the universe. 

 

_ The one thing that’s sure is that there is no cure, but that doesn’t mean we don’t fight. _

 

The doctor sounded just like Steve back in Wakanda. But if they couldn’t win, what was the point to fighting? They’d fight for an inch and lose a mile. 

 

_ I’m dancing with death, I suppose. But really, who knows? _

 

A hand instinctively went up to where the arc reactor once was. How had he survived this long? Why? Why, when so many better people hadn’t?

 

_ I see me in you. _

 

When he’d met the kid, he instantly recognized himself in his idiosyncrasies. The way he fidgeted whenever he was bored (which was pretty much all the time), the way he smiled to himself when he received praise, the way he leaned into hugs like he’d never been hugged before… it was all so familiar. 

 

And because it was so familiar, he’d been afraid that that wonderful boy would become like him: broken and fucked up and lonely. Now he didn’t have to. 

 

_ But rather than let chance take me, I’ll take a chance. _

 

A chance. A leap in faith. The others all were willing to take the risk. Why couldn’t he? 

 

_ I am the one who held you. I am the one who cried. I am the one who watched while you died. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am the one who loved you. I tried pretending that I don’t give a damn. But you’ve always known who I am. _

 

Yes, the kid had certainly been able to see through his facade. Though he had played the part of an aloof celebrity, the teen hadn’t been fooled. He’d seen the soft side of him. He’d figured out how to get past his hard exterior. He’d melted his heart. 

 

Tony pulled out his phone and began scrolling through his photos until he found the one he was looking for. It was a picture from about a week before Thanos’ attack. Spider-Man had staked out a courthouse all day to make sure that a little girl who was testifying wasn’t harassed. It had been a long, hard day for the kid, so Tony had taken him to get ice cream at a cute little parlor nearby. Of course, the kid had seen the eating challenge and had begged him to do it.

 

~~~~~

“Please, Mr. Stark, can we? the teenager had pleaded, “Please?”

 

“Hell no, I am not doing the Piggy Platter Challenge with you, Parker.”

 

“Mr. Stark-“

 

“No, calling me that won’t make me do it, Pete.”

 

“Please?” he asked, those big beautiful eyes staring up at him. 

 

“You know I have a heart condition, right?”

 

But those eyes kept staring at him until he sighed.

 

“Fine, but one of the twelve flavors has to be pistachio.” 

 

And so it had been. The other eleven flavors (chocolate, peanut butter, pumpkin, cotton candy, Kahlua cookies and cream, mint chocolate chip, blackberry, vanilla, matcha, and Flaming Hot Cheeto) were the kid’s responsibility while Tony tackled the pistachio. 

 

“Are you gonna finish that?” the kid asked after what felt like only a few seconds. Tony looked up and realized that all of the ice cream was gone.

 

“Are you sure vacuum mouth isn’t one of your powers?” 

 

The kid blushed. 

 

“I’m still hungry.”

 

Tony sighed and pushed the trough towards the teenager. 

 

“Thanks, Tony.”

 

Tony’s heart skipped a beat. It was still so strange, hearing his name spoken so fondly by a child. He smiled.

 

“No problem, kiddo.”

 

The owner of the parlor, a tiny woman with dark brown eyes that sparkled with kindness, walked towards their table, adjusting her hijab slightly as she scooched between two tables. 

 

“Are you ready to give-how have you already finished?” She stared at them in shock. The trough was completely empty. 

 

“Teenagers,” Tony said with a laugh, “I don’t think their stomachs ever end.”

 

The woman laughed at his remark as Peter blushed. 

 

“If he’s like my boys, he’ll probably wanna burger after this,” she joked. 

 

“I would like a patty melt,” Peter mumbled, much to the amusement of the grownups. 

 

“Are you ready for your picture for the wall?” she asked, pointing towards a wall at the front of the parlor. There was a glittery sign claiming it to be “The Wall if Winners.” Below the sign was about twenty photos or nauseous children and pumped up college kids. 

 

“Sure thing!” Peter said eagerly, hopping around to Tony’s side of the booth. 

 

“How should we pose?” Tony asked the woman as she pulled a Polaroid camera out of her apron. 

 

“Like you’ve just had the best day ever and are ending it in the best way ever.”

 

If possible, Peter scooched himself even closer to Tony.

 

“You’re such a cuddlebug, aren’t you?” Tony teased, leaning forward so that they were as close as possible. 

 

“Does this look good?” Peter asked the woman.

 

“Too formal,” she said, “Act like you actually like each other.”

 

Tony wrapped his arm around the kid so he was hugging him from behind.

 

“Perfect,” she said, “Now, big smiles!”

 

They did as she snapped the photo.

 

“Amazing,” she said, “It’s always so nice to see fathers and sons being so close.” 

 

Peter blushed and pulled away at her comment. Tony chuckled. 

 

“No, he’s not mine.”

 

~~~~~

 

He should’ve said it. He should have told him how he really felt. He should have known before he died that he was like a son to him. 

 

_ Hi, Dad.  _

 

“Oh, Peter,” he whispered to himself as a music faded. It felt weird to be saying the boy’s name out loud again. He had all but refused to speak it in the past several months.

 

“Oh, Peter. Pete,” it seemed that now he was able to say the name out loud, he couldn’t stop.

 

“Pete, Peter, Pete. I’m gonna get you back, Peter. I’m going to bring you back, or die trying.”

 


	6. Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are! The final chapter! I gotta admit, it's super weird having this happen already. I've spent almost nine months on this story; it's literally like my baby lol. So, let's get going!

“I’m going to bring you back, or die trying.” 

 

Tears rolled down his face. These were not pretty tears, gently falling one by one like in a movie. These were gross; periods of rapid flow followed by choking, snot running down his face into his mouth. His breath kept getting caught like it did when he had a panic attack, but he felt no anxiety. He didn’t feel anger or sadness or longing. It was pure and utter catharsis. 

 

When there were no more tears left to shed, he took a few deep breaths before wiping his eyes. With all of the pent-up emotions gone, there was room for a new emotion, something he hadn’t felt in a long time: hope. Suddenly, he felt like Scrooge on Christmas morning after being visited by the spirits. There was so much that he had to do if he was going to fight Thanos.

 

“FRIDAY, pause the music and open the message from Bruce.”

 

“I already analyzed the theory.”

 

“Yeah, but I want to look at it myself.”

 

The artificial intelligence complied, and Tony began scanning through the formula with hungry eyes.

 

“Oh, and FRI, can you find a place that sells organic, sustainably grown potted plants?” 

 

“Sure thing, Boss,” FRIDAY replied, sounding as close to cheerful as an AI could get.

 

_ We need some light. First of all, we need some light. You can't sit here in the dark. And all alone, it's a sorry sight. _

 

A few hours later, he and Happy were standing in the garage. Tony was trying to take Happy out to dinner. 

 

“Really, boss, you don’t have to,” the head of security had mumbled.

 

“No, I do,” Tony said. “You’re all I’ve got, Hap. And I want to thank you for putting up with my angsty bullish-“

 

He was cut off by the full force of Happy Hogan pulling him into a hug. He did not resist, letting the bigger man’s embrace remind him that he wasn’t completely alone. Clumsily, he patted the shoulder of the man who had been there since the beginning.

 

_ It's just you and me. We'll live, you'll see. _ __   
  


“Do you really think it’ll work?” Happy whispered, not wanting the other diners to notice them. Though he kept his tone businesslike, Tony could see a glimmer in his eye that showed that he was excited, terrified, confused, proud, and hopeful all at once.

 

“Don’t get me wrong, Hap. This isn’t a full-fledged plan. All this is is a new design for a suit combining Wakanda’s tech with some of my protocols.”

 

Happy glanced around,  checking for eavesdroppers, before speaking carefully.

 

“But if an entire army had these suits…”

 

“It’d be flexible enough for them to move like Natasha while being as protected as me.”

 

“Will it be enough?”

 

“I have no idea,” Tony admitted, “But I have to try.”

_   
_ _ Night after night, we'd sit and wait for the morning light. But we've waited far too long, for all that's wrong to be made right. _ _   
_ __   
With moral support from Happy, he started working on the design. Bruce had gleaned a lot from his short time in the Hulkbuster armor, but the newer suits had a lot more going on than anyone aside from Tony himself was aware of. They also started training, boxing and the like. If another fight with Thanos was coming, Tony knew he had to be in top condition to get Peter back.

 

_ Day after day, wishing all our cares away. Trying to fight the things we feel, but some hurts never heal. Some ghost are never gone, _ __   
  


Tony was sitting in the park, watching a woman and her son playing frisbee together. The boy threw the frisbee, but it went over his mother’s head and landed at Tony’s feet. He bent down and picked up the frisbee. He looked up and realized that the mother and son were actually Pepper and Peter. They started to approach when a wormhole appeared, sucking them into space. Tony flew in behind them, though he swore he hadn’t been in the suit a moment before. Once he reached space, he found Peter and Pepper standing on a giant metal gauntlet. Both of them were reaching out to him, calling for help. He dove towards them but, as he dove, they got paler and paler. His dive felt like it was through jello it was so slow. He finally was close enough to reach them when they began to sink. No, not sink. They were turning to dust. Pepper was gone, but Peter was still reaching for him. He grazed the boy’s fingertips and then...

 

“Mr. Stark,” Peter whispered, his eyes wide with fear as he faded away. 

 

Tony shot up in bed, panting and covered with sweat.

 

“Just a nightmare,” he whispered to himself. Tony glanced over at the clock. It was five in the morning, which was far earlier than he liked, but doable. He made his way to the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee. Much to his surprise, Happy was already there.

 

“Hey, boss,” the man said, taking a sip of coffee, “Couldn’t sleep?”

 

“Bad dream,” Tony muttered as he poured himself a mug of his own. 

 

Happy smiled sadly. “Me too.”

 

They sat together in the kitchen in silence for a couple minutes, each man focused on his own nightmare. Finally, Happy spoke.

 

“So, what did you think about my first aid idea?” 

 

Tony smiled and began to explain the technical side of how to make his head of security’s idea a reality.

 

_ But we go on, we still go on. And you find some way to survive and you find out you don't have to be happy at all, to be happy you're alive. _ __   
  


Having Happy there to help him was having a huge impact on how Tony worked. Being forced to slow down and explain his ideas before executing them had prevented some huge mistakes. And, despite his many years of insisting that he worked best exhausted, it was nice to step away from the project and just take a break. 

 

And that was what they were doing now. Tony had ordered a pizza and wings while Happy had gone to buy some beer and a movie for them to watch. Now, Tony was munching on a slice of Happy’s favorite type of pizza, pepperoni and sausage with extra cheese, as they watched the greatest movie of all time.

 

“Anybody want a peanut?” Happy shouted at the TV, laughing as he did so. 

 

Tony smiled to himself. A voice in the back of his mind told him to imagine how perfect this moment would be if Peter was sitting on the couch next to him. He shut that voice down. There would be a time for that. Right now, he was just going to appreciate pizza, a classic comedy, and the friendship of Happy Hogan.

 

_ Day after day, Give me clouds, and rain and gray. Give me pain, if that's what's real. It's the price we pay to feel. The price of love is loss, But still we pay. We love anyway. _ __   
  


Yes, he still felt the pain of losing everyone in the snap. But he was channeling all of his emotions into a productive end instead of isolating himself in his misery. Happy had had to call him out a few times when he had begun to fall back into his old self-destructive habits. Staying hopeful wasn’t easy but it would all prove to be worth it when they were all reunited with their loved ones.

 

_ And when the night has finally gone. And when we see the new day dawn. We'll wonder how we wandered for so long, so blind. _ __   
  


“Hey, boss,” Happy called as he walked into the workshop, “You won’t believe the calls I’ve been getting. Reporters want a statement from you.” 

 

“I’ve told them I don’t want to talk about what happened up there,” he said through gritted teeth as he picked up a ratchet. 

 

“Not that. Apparently, it’s been ten years since you came back home. They wanna hear about what the last ten years have been like.” 

 

Tony chuckled as he continued his work.

 

“Do you want me to tell them to leave you alone?”

 

He thought about it for a moment, pursing his lips.

 

“Tell them-tell them it’s been a fucking roller coaster, and I have no plans of getting off any time soon.”

 

Happy smirked.

 

“Got it, boss. Can I add this bitch?”

 

Tony grinned at his friend.

 

“Go right ahead.”

 

_ The wasted world we thought we knew, The light will make it look brand new. So Let it Let it Let it Let it Let it Shine, shine, shine.Day after day, we’ll find the will to find our way, knowing that the darkest skies will someday see the sun. _ __   
  


“Ready, boss?” Happy asked. 

 

“Ready.” 

 

They were in what had once been the Avengers’ private gym. Happy was in a copy of the Hulkbuster, and Tony was in their prototype suit.

 

“Let’s go,” Happy said, “On the count of three: one, two-“

 

“Three!” Tony shouted, leaping at the arm of the Hulkbuster. 

 

“You’re an asshole!” Happy shouted at his boss as he took a swing and missed. 

 

“You know it,” Tony muttered through gritted teeth. He was trying to rip the arm off. If he could rip the arm off or incapacitate him completely, then he’d win.

 

Happy took another swing at him, this time knocking him to the ground. Dazed, he glanced around the room and saw Thor’s old battle ropes in the corner.

 

“Hey, guys, you ever see that really old movie,  _ Empire Strikes Back? _ ”  

 

The memory of Peter’s first major fight floated to the surface of his mind. He smirked under his mask. Happy took another swing at him, and he rolled away closer to the ropes. He dodged another punch from the armor as he made a mad dash for the ropes.

 

“What the hell are you doing?” Happy shouted at him.

 

Tony elected to ignore the conversation in favor of grabbing the battle ropes of the god of thunder. Were they mounted to the wall? They were. Good. He would’ve thought through his plan, but Happy managed to get a good swing in. 

 

“Now, you will see that I am inevitable, Stark,” he said in a comically low voice.

 

“Are you monologuing?” 

 

“You said you wanted me to be realistic!” 

 

“Yes, but not- whatever. Keep going.”

 

“You will see that I am inevitable, Stark. For, as hard as we may try, our destinies have intertwined themselves like, uh, like-“

 

And that was his cue. Tony made a mad dash around his giant head of security.

 

“Wait, what are you doing?” Happy asked, as he turned around. But, as he did so, he got tangled in the ropes and fell to the ground. Tony smirked and sat down next to him.

 

“Did you rehearse that speech?”

 

Happy took the helmet off. 

 

“Shut up.”

 

_ When our long night is done, there will be light. There will be light when we open up our lives, Sons and daughters, husbands, wives can fight that fight. _ __   
  


Bruce wrapped the weighted blanket tighter around himself, thankful for the pressure it gave him in this stressful situation. Tony was flying in today. It would be the first time the entire Avengers team would be together since Sokovia. And a lot of shit had gone down since then. He glanced around, locking eyes with Thor. The king of Asgard, though beaten down again and again, was still able to kindly smile through his pain and slightly reassure the scientist. Thor was absentmindedly stroking the head of Rocket the raccoon, who was a lot to get used to at first, but reminded Bruce of Tony with his biting sarcasm and ability to build anything. They also, from what Bruce had been able to piece together, had lost their adopted sons.

 

“I’m glad Tony changed his mind,” Rhodey remarked, staring up at the Wakandan sky. Despite the princess Shuri’s offer to heal his legs, Rhodey still used the braces that Tony had made for him… with a few upgrades, of course. 

 

“Do you think he’s gonna be okay enough to help?” Bruce wondered aloud. “I mean, last we saw him, he couldn’t make it an hour without having a breakdown.”

 

“Everyone lost someone,” Steve said solemnly. Pretty much everything about him was solemn these days. “We all just cope differently.”

 

Bruce thought back to the Asgardian ship. Yes, he had felt that loss deeply. Especially Loki’s sacrifice. But he seriously doubted that everyone around him was grieving. Natasha, for instance, seemed to be the same business-first, emotions-only-when-convenient person from before this whole mess, now just with a different hairdo. 

 

“That’s him!” Shuri, cried, pointing upwards to a plane that had suddenly appeared. Did Tony have an invisible jet? Nevermind that, Bruce thought as the plane landed gracefully in front of them. The doors opened to reveal a man Bruce had not seen in a long time but recognized as Happy Hogan.

 

“I’m fighting too,” Happy said nonchalantly, handing the briefcase he was carrying to Shuri. “Peter’s a little shit, but he’s Tony’s little shit, so I gotta protect him too.” 

 

Steve chuckled at that. 

 

“Glad to have you.” 

 

Then, in all his glory, Tony Stark emerged. He looked a little worse for wear compared to when he had last been in Wakanda. However, he had something he hadn’t whenthey had last seen him: that je ne sais quoi that made Tony Stark Tony Stark. 

 

“How ya doing, buddy?” he whispered as he gave Bruce an unexpected, but not unwelcome, hug. 

 

“I’m okay,” Bruce replied. Truly, this was the most okay he had been in a long time. Tony smiled at him.

 

“And you?”

 

“Eh, I’m getting there.”

 

_ There will be light. _

_   
_ Ned sat at his desk, typing up a paper on  _ A Tale of Two Cities  _ for English class. He was finally getting into it, having been convinced by MJ that his potentially controversial reading of the text had validity and wasn’t sexist on his part. However, the words, which had been flowing at a rapid pace only minutes before, were starting to slow down. He felt like he’d typed the word femininity at least twenty times in this paragraph. 

 

“You know what,” he muttered to himself, “I need a break.” 

 

He slowly went to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of chocolate milk and some chocolate chip cookies without waking up his parents or either of his siblings. He went back into his room and stuck his head out the window, the cool breeze helping him stay awake. His eyes darted around the cityscape before finally stopping on the stars. 

 

Where had Peter been when he died? It was slightly morbid, but Ned couldn’t stop himself from wondering about his best friend’s death. Could he see the planet where it happened from here? Had the Hubble Telescope taken pictures of the place? Had the air been breathable? Did the suit have an oxygen tank they hadn’t noticed before, or had Peter spent that whole time feeling like he was going to pass out? Had anyone else been there, fighting with Iron Man and Spider-Man? Did Peter die alone in space, or had Tony Stark been right by his side? Had Peter regretted getting off of the bus?

 

Would his best friend still be alive if he hadn’t helped him? 

 

The sound of his phone ringing interrupted his thoughts. He grabbed the phone and saw that Tony Stark was calling him.

 

“Hello?” he said quietly, praying that his sister Lydia wouldn’t wake up.

 

“Hi, Ned. It’s Tony Stark.”

 

“I know. I mean, I saved your number in my phone… should I not have done that?”

 

The genius billionaire philanthropist superhero chuckled.

 

“Keep it. No one will believe you anyway.”

 

Ned hadn’t been planning on showing it to other people anyway but decided not to mention that fact.

 

“Anyway, I wanted to ask you about something.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, of course, Mr. Stark. What’s up?”

 

“You’re the one who hacked the suit, right?”

 

Fuck. 

 

“Yes?” he asked, hoping his honesty would result in a slightly less upset superhero.

 

“That’s a beyond state of the art piece of machinery. You’re good.”

 

Tony Stark was… complimenting him? 

 

“I need people like you. If I sent you some code, would you be willing to look over it? I’ll make it worth your while. I can write you a letter of recommendation or something.”

 

“It would be an honor, sir. I mean, yeah, totally. Whatever you need.” 

 

There was a pause. Ned listened to hear if anyone in the family had woken up. They hadn’t. Ned thought for a moment. If anyone would know the answer to his questions…

 

“Mr. Stark, can I ask you something?” he asked tentatively. The seriousness must have shone through, because no sarcastic quip was made.

 

“Was Peter alone when he…”

 

“No, he was with me. I caught him when he,” the superhero trailed off for a moment. “There’s nothing you could’ve done to stop this, Ned. Peter wouldn’t want either of us blaming ourselves, especially if it’s possible to get him back.”

 

Holy shit. Holy shit. Hoooooooooly shit. This was not where he thought this conversation was going at all! There might be a way to bring everyone back? 

 

“Sign me up!” 

 

Tony Stark chuckled. “Already did, kid. Now, go to bed. It’s late.”

 

Ned grabbed a cookie from his plate and took a huge bite out of it. This was insane! He had to tell MJ! He had to…. finish his goddamn essay. With a newfound energy, he started typing away, confident in his ability to call Charles Dickens out.

 

_ There will be light. _

 

MJ sighed as she walked into the theater. As much as she loved performing, she absolutely despised matinee days. The audience was almost entirely made up of elderly people who wouldn’t laugh or applaud or anything. And this had been the day her parents had been planning on coming, before they had died. And that really sucked. She took a sip from her iced coffee, knowing that tea was better for the voice but not really caring. 

 

She turned down the hall, making her way to her dressing room. Normally, each actor wouldn’t get their own, but there were only six of them, so it was happening. Hers was technically the dramaturg’s office, but Stacy had given her permission to use it while she was on vacation. 

 

“I don’t wanna do this,” she mumbled to herself before opening the door.

 

“Holy fuck,” she whispered.

 

Inside the office were at least a hundred little succulents. Bright green hen and chicks, deep purple Galahads, spiky black princes, some gorgeous teal and orange flowers she had never seen before, a couple deep red jade plants, some flowers that reminded her of the inside of a dragon fruit, vibrant pink crown of thrones, a couple of flaming katies, a few of those fuzzy panda plants, and some tiny pincushion cacti were sitting on every flat surface in the room. Each plant had its own little galaxy-style pot with glittery little stars. 

 

How did this person know she wanted to be an astronomer? Only one person alive knew that she dreamed of being an astronomer, and that was Ned. But this was expensive, too expensive for it to be Ned. 

 

“Who-” she cut herself off when she noticed a note attached to one of the cacti. 

 

_ MJ, we’ve never met before, but I've heard so much about you from my son. You are one of his best friends, and I need to thank you. Your show brought me hope that I can see him again. You  _ _ will _ _ see Peter again. There  _ _ will _ _ be light. - TS _

 

Tears reached her eyes that she battled to hold back. She had to go onstage soon.

 

“Holy shit, the Stark internship was true.” She read the note over and over a few more times, hungrily taking in the contents of this strange note. Tony Stark knew Peter. Tony Stark wanted Peter back. And, by the sound of it, Tony Stark had a plan to get him, and possibly everyone else, back.

 

_ There will be light. _ __   
  


After a long night of training, Steve went to make himself a cup of tea before bed long after everyone else had turned in. At least, that’s what he thought. He was walking past Tony’s room, gripping his mug tightly, when he heard the voice of a young boy.

 

“She was really nice and bought me a churro. I just feel like I could be doing more. You know? Just curious when our next mission’s gonna be. So yeah, just call me back. It’s Peter. Parker.”

 

The moment he heard the name, Steve froze. He had only met the kid that one time in Berlin, but anyone could see how important he was to Tony. How the man would move heaven and earth for the kid. Suddenly, the door opened in front of him.

 

“Were you eavesdropping on me, Rogers?” Tony whispered.

 

“I was just walking by when I heard a voice.” Tony sighed, and Steve could see just how much he’d changed since they had first met. He went to leave, but something made him turn around. 

 

“I’m sorry, Tony… for everything.”

 

Tony stared at him in shock for a moment before answering.

 

“Me too.” 

 

Steve smiled. “I know Howard wasn’t a great father-“

 

“Damn right,” Tony said sharply.

 

“But,” Steve pressed on, “From what I’ve heard, you were a great dad for Peter.”

 

Tony’s nose crinkled in an attempt not to cry. Steve stepped forward, arms open. Tony stepped into the offered embrace, trembling with the tears.

 

“We’ll get him back.”

 

“We better.”

 

Tony closed the door again, wiping his eyes, surprised at how confident he was that they would be able to come in and save the day. But, hey, that’s what the Avengers do.

 

_ There will be light. _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been such an incredible journey. Thank you so much for reading this. Special shout outs go to parkrstark for setting this big bang up, my incredible artist Shoyzz, my whole team of betas, and everyone in the discord who helped pull me through this. It's been a struggle but it's a struggle that I'm glad I did. Please be sure to leave me some feedback; I'd love to know what you thought!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy! Please tell me if you did!


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